They Must Feed
by Nekouyoku
Summary: And this is why you don't ever let Kanda and Lavi fill in for you at a daycare. Or, afterwards, let them have too many drinks. LavixYuu. Rated "T" for language. And. A situation. "Oh, shaddup and let me kiss you."


Disclaimer: Contains small children and Kanda.

Also contains underaged drinking, but after the small children are de- er, gone.

Contains boy love. Shonen-ai. Seriously.

LavixYuu.

Also contains a fair amout of crack. Read at your own risk.

Enjoy~

* * *

"Pleeeease?" Lenalee begged, folding her hands and doing her best puppy-dog face. Kanda's eye twitched, and he remained silent.

"Come on, it's only for one day, and it would be a really big help! Lavi'll even be there to help you out, so it won't be that bad, right?"

"Do you _really think_ I have _any_ kind of patience to deal with _children_?" Kanda growled, folding his arms.

"Well…well, no, but you don't even have to do anything. You just have to be there. Come on, _please_?"

"…for one day."

"Yeah."

"…Fine."

"Ooooh, thank you!" Lenalee chimed, pulling Kanda into a bear hug. Then she let him go and picked up her bag. "Well, see you in two days," she said, then left.

Kanda had a feeling that he had just made the worst decision of his life.

* * *

The next day, Kanda woke up to someone knocking on his door. Rolling over to check his alarm clock, he decided that it was too early to be awake, and attempted to go back to sleep, despite the continuing knocking.

This was his first bad decision of the day, for the consequence for this action happened to be that the knocker, who happened to be Lavi, came in and sat himself right on Kanda's back.

"Time to wake up, Yuu-chan," he chimed.

Kanda didn't move. He didn't even look up.

"Yuuuuuu-chaaaaan," Lavi called, slowly leaning closer to Kanda's ear.

Kanda still didn't move.

Lavi exhaled rather disappointedly, and decided on another plan of action. He slid off of Kanda's back, and then managed to lift him up, wedding-style. He jumped off the bed, resulting in a loud 'thump' from the floor, and placed the half-asleep Japanese boy on his feet.

"Are you going to get dressed, or do you need me to do that for you, too?" Lavi asked, sounding a little too eager.

"Why the fuck are you in my house," Kanda asked, using basically all of his energy to keep his eyes open.

"I came to prepare you for the daunting task we have presented to us today, courtesy of Lenalee," Lavi said. Kanda glared at him sleepily. "You know, the day care?"

"I'm going back to sleep," Kanda said, and turned around to crawl back into bed again.

"Nooo, Yuuu, if we don't show up today then Lenalee will get _fired_."

"…Really."

"Yes. And then she will be sad and I will be forced to take revenge on you for making a girl feel so bad. And you know how that turns out."

Kanda's eyes widened. Yes. He did know how that turns out.

"Yeah, yeah, fine. Just get out of my room so I can change."

"Awww, do I have to?"

"Do you want to keep your head?"

"…Ah. I see."

* * *

About half an hour later, Kanda was sitting in the passenger's seat of Lavi's car, and they were heading to the Japanese boy's worst nightmare.

"I really don't see why Lenalee would have asked _you_, of all people, to fill in for her at a _day care_…I can already predict how this is going to turn out, which is partly why I agreed to come. I mean, someone is going to have to protect those poor children. And her boss."

"Che."

"I mean, I guess there was no one else she could have asked…and it's not like she was just going to cancel her trip. She's been waiting to go for, like, _ever_…"

"Hn."

"Although, her boss must be a pretty straight-laced guy to threaten to fire her for not going to work that day without a replacement. I mean, she doesn't really miss _that_ many days of work…well, not _really_…well…Yeah, I guess I can see where he's coming from."

"Wasn't that a red light?"

"Er…no?"

* * *

"…please tell me there aren't rainbows painted on that wall."

"Er…uhm…let's just go inside."

Kanda really didn't think the inside was going to be much better, and probably wouldn't have moved from that spot for the next three hours if Lavi didn't drag him by the hand through the glass doors on the front of the building.

"Hey, we're filling in for Lenalee," Lavi said to the person sitting at the front desk.

"…okay," he said.

"…are you supposed to be smoking in a daycare?" the redhead asked, tilting his head.

"Do I look like I give a damn?"

"No." He didn't.

"Good job. Now go in there and try not to get yourself killed. Those things are vicious."

"Er…right."

Lavi couldn't help but notice how serious the guy looked.

* * *

"Lavi, can I go now?" Kanda asked, after seeing the mob of around six children prance and gerund all over the place.

"It's okay, only seven hours left in Lenalee's shift," Lavi said, as if he was encouraging him. Kanda seriously tried to leave, but Lavi held his hand fast. "Come on Kanda, you promised Lenalee…"

"Who are you?" a little girl suddenly asked. Lavi looked down.

"Oh, hello there, little girl. My name's Lavi, I'm filling in for Lenalee today. What's your name?" he said, with the sweetest little smile anyone has ever seen.

"Don't patronize me you homo. I'm fucking seven, I'm not going to take that shit. So, who's he, your bitch or something?"

She pointed to Kanda.

Lavi's mouth literally dropped open.

"We're going, Yuu," he said, turning to leave.

Kanda grabbed his shoulder, pulling him back into the room.

"Oh, no, Lavi. You promised Lenalee, remember? We have to stay for her _whole shift_. It's okay, only seven more hours."

Lavi felt tears coming.

* * *

"Excuse me, miss, where's Lenalee?" a small boy asked, tugging on Kanda's pant leg.

"_Miss?_" Kanda growled, turning around to give the boy a look that drove him to tears. The pitch he reached was deafening.

"Lavi, what the hell is it doing," Kanda called, looking disgusted at the child's fit. Lavi pranced over.

"Oh, Yuu, you terrible man. What have you done to this poor child?" Lavi exclaimed, kneeling down next to the child. The boy continued crying.

"Aww, it's okay," Lavi said, rubbing the boy's back. He continued crying. "See, look. The scary girl is going away now. Right, _Yuu_?" Lavi glanced over at Kanda. He sighed and trudged off into another corner of the room to terrorize a different child.

"See, look. The scary girl's gone. See? It's okay now."

"But she's still there. Waiting," the child sniffled. Lavi blinked.

"I promise she won't make scary faces at you anymore," he said, smiling. The boy looked up at him.

"Pinkie promise?" he said, holding out his hand.

"Pinkie promise," Lavi assured, linking fingers. The kid immediately brightened up.

"Yay!" he said, grinning. Lavi stood up, considering his job done, when the kid suddenly attached itself to his leg.

"Erm…" Lavi stated, looking down. However, the kid looked so happy that the soft-hearted redhead couldn't bring himself to tell him to leave. Lavi just limped over to make sure Kanda wasn't trying to kill anyone.

* * *

"So, my mom says that gay guys have something wrong with them. Like, they had daddy issues or something. You should seriously get help, it's not healthy," that same little girl continued on, following Kanda around.

Kanda was having a very very hard time resisting murder.

"And you look like a girl, too. Seriously, you're way to fucking pretty to be a guy. Were you, like, born a girl and got surgery or something?"

Control yourself, Kanda. It's not worth the charges.

"I think it's your hair. It's got to be. Why do you keep it so long? You should just chop it off. Like…"

And before Kanda knew what was happening, the girl took a pair of safety scissors and chopped a section of his ponytail off.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR!?" Kanda screamed, turning around and successfully upsetting every single child in the room. It was a very very _very_ good thing that the girl had only managed to cut about an inch off, or else she would have been in a serious world of hurt.

Although, her cries were already close to shattering all the glass in the room, along with a couple pairs of eardrums.

"Yuu, oh my god, what ha—" Lavi's eyes suddenly fell on the face of the screeching child. "Oh," he said, "her."

Kanda nodded.

"Well…"

Lavi stared at the crying child. Then he picked it up under her arms and carried her out to the front of the building, where Lenalee's boss was reclining in his chair. Lavi placed the child down and walked back into the main part of the building.

"What the _fuck_ did you guys do?"

* * *

"Oh god, Lavi, how much time do we have left here?" Kanda asked. Lavi checked his watch.

"One hour."

"Think we can ditch out now?"

"Probably not."

"Fuck."

Currently, they were huddled in the corner trying to make themselves scarce. They had managed, through some sort of miracle, to put the remaining five children to sleep, (the girl that Kanda almost killed was sent home) and told them that when they woke up they would practice math problems. So most of the kids were still pretending to be asleep.

That is, until one of them started crying.

"Lavi, go tell it to shut up."

"I don't think that's going to help."

"Well, that's my plan, so you should go deal with it."

"Damnit."

Lavi reluctantly got up and walked over to the crying child.

"Hey, what's up, buddy?" he said, kneeling down.

"I'm huuungryyyyyy," the little boy whined.

"Oh, okay. Well, if you stop crying for just a little bit then we'll get you something to eat, okay?" Lavi said. The little boy nodded and sniffled, wiping his nose with his sleeve.

The other four children suddenly got up.

"I'm hungry too," they all said.

"Er, right, you'll get food, too."

Lavi scurried back to the corner.

"They need to feed."

"Are they going to eat us?"

"Not if we surrender an offering."

"I say we throw them Lenalee's boss."

"I'm all for it."

* * *

Lavi peered over the boss's desk.

"They must feed," he said.

"What are you talking about?"

"The demons require nutrition."

"Well, feed them something. There's a fridge in the back room."

"Oh. Actually I was going to throw you in and see if they ate you."

"…They generally don't eat people."

"That's what _you_ think…"

* * *

"Okay, so, here's our selection. Moldy cherry pie, a box of poptarts, three banana popsicles, a completely black thing that might actually be a _real_ banana, and a half-drunken bottle of wine."

"Give me the wine," Kanda groaned.

"Actually, I think it'd be safer to get some beers at your house…"

"What, no, 'you're under aged'?"

"No. At this point, I think we deserve it."

"Ah. Well, I say we feed them poptarts."

"Good call."

Lavi shoved the rest of the stuff back in the fridge and they reluctantly made their way back to the playroom.

* * *

"Oh demon spawn, we present you with an offering of peace so that we might keep our souls," Lavi said.

The children stared at him blankly.

"_Food_," he said. They all seemed more excited after that.

Lavi handed them all a single probably stale poptart, and then ran back into the back room.

"Their appetites have been satisfied," Lavi stated with a blank stare.

"Okay, would you stop doing that. It's really starting to creep me out."

"Yeah, okay. But, seriously. Drinks at your house afterwards?"

"Yeah, my dad's not going to be home until late tonight."

"Sweet."

* * *

"One thousand and sixty four, one thousand and sixty three, one thousand and sixty two…"

"Lavi, what are you doing?"

"Counting the seconds until we get to go home."

"I see."

* * *

"Four…"

"Three…"

"Two…"

"One…"

They both burst out of the playroom into the front.

"Okay, we're going now," Lavi said, and they ran to the redhead's car before anyone could stop them.

* * *

And eventually, they ran into Kanda's house and locked the door. For good measure.

"Oh my god that was the worst day of my life other than that day I had detention with that fat wrinkly math teacher with only nine fingers," Lavi said.

"That was _the_ worst day of my life," Kanda said. "Remind me never to have children."

"Ditto on that last part."

They both sighed.

"So, drinks?" Kanda offered. Lavi nodded.

"It'd prolly be best if you only got two. One for each of us."

"Yeah, we wouldn't want my dad to come home to find us drunk off our asses," Kanda said.

"Like that one time when I was at Allen's house?"

"No, that was kind of funny."

"Yeah, but that's because you weren't there."

"Hm."

* * *

"Here's to never having children," Lavi said, holding up his can. Kanda did the same.

"Cheers," they said, and then popped the top and took a long swig.

"God, this stuff is disgusting," Lavi laughed.

"Yeah, but the buzz is worth it," Kanda said, shrugging.

"Damn right."

* * *

"Awwww, it's all gone," Lavi whined, staring at the bottom of his can.

"Ah, I suppose one more never hurt anyone," Kanda said, finishing his as well. Lavi grinned.

"Of course not," he said.

More drinks were fetched.

* * *

"And, and then…No, no, get this, he _still had the crackers in his mouth_," Lavi said, giggling. Kanda laughed.

"Oh my god, no way, seriously?"

"Yeah. Seriously. It's, like, crazy, right?"

"That's fucking hilarious."

Lavi took another drink.

"Hey, Yuu-chan, you…you really say 'fucking' a whole lot, you know?"

"Yeah, so-fucking-what?"

"It's like…it's like you're asking for something."

"Huh? Asking for what?"

"Like, you know, asking for a fuck or something."

"Oh. Well. Uhm."

Kanda couldn't help but notice that they had moved to his bedroom a couple rounds ago.

"You know, you can't have any children between two guys," Lavi pointed out.

"W-what…whaddya' mean?"

"I mean it wouldn't really hurt anything if we, well, you know…"

"Yeah I think I know."

"So?"

"Uhm, well, I don't know, my dad might be home kind of soo—"

Kanda was cut off by Lavi's sudden passionate kiss.

"Oh, man, we are so drunk right now," Kanda said, staring at the redhead.

"'S okay, this isn't the beer talking, I've been wan'ning to do this to you for months," Lavi said, grinning and setting his drink down on a nearby nightstand.

"T-that's kind of really fruity," Kanda stuttered, letting his empty can roll off the bed.

"What'dya know, you've been right the whole time…"

"Huh?"

"Oh, shaddup and let me kiss you."

"Right, whatever."

* * *

Lavi had actually gotten Kanda's shirt off, and was working on the rest, when…well…

Neither of them must have been paying attention, because somehow Tiedoll appeared in Kanda's doorway.

"Yuu-kun, what in the world."

Kanda pushed Lavi off and sat up rather quickly.

"Oh, uhm, hi, dad."

"…hey, Mr. Tiedoll," Lavi squeaked.

* * *

Froi was "nice" enough to let Kanda sleep and get a hangover before he got a lecture. He even let Lavi sleep over so he wouldn't have to drive home.

Of course, he slept on the couch.

And of course, Tiedoll informed Lavi's parents that, "He will be staying over tonight due to the fact that he's too drunk to drive home."

Lavi was glad to stay for the lecture. And breakfast. And to clean up Kanda's room after that. He sure as hell didn't want to go home.

Funnily enough, the only line that Lavi actually remembered was, "I'm punishing you two for being drunk, not…the other thing. Feel free whenever I'm not around."

Ah, Lenalee was in for a story when she got back.

* * *

Omg I have a deep hate for most small children.

Anyways.

That scene in Kanda's room was my reward for writing a story with small children in it. So...yeah.

R&R, please and thank you.


End file.
